All I've Lived For
by CSKazaam
Summary: Zack Fair has never had a reason to question his life and everything he'd known to be true, until a mission with Sephiroth takes a turn for the unexpected, and he's faced with what may be the most horrific truth of all.


**Author's Note:** This is my first FF7 fic! Hope it doesn't disappoint! It takes place during LuckyLadybug's timeline where the FF7 characters have been transported to Earth via some dark powers that Sephiroth was messing with. So, many thanks to her for creating it! You should all go check out her stories, because they're awesome. ^^ For this fic, the only thing that you really need to know is that everyone is now on Earth, Sephiroth is once again sane, and this occurs during a mission of some kind on which he and Zack have gone. It is potentially part of a full-length, chapter fic, but since I've since been distracted by other ideas, I don't know when I will get the whole thing written. I've decided that this section could stand by itself, however, so here it is!

* * * * *

**All I've Lived For**

**by**

**Kazaam**

* * * * *

_Wings._

_ A flurry of white feathers._

_ …You call yourself SOLDIER?_

* * * * *

Zack Fair stirred, the echoes of fleeting memories fading to the back of his mind. He floated in darkness for a while, not quite conscious of his surroundings. But after some time, he became aware of a quiet pulse. It was not so much heard as felt, a steady rhythm beating through his mind and body. It was irresistible, both incredibly powerful and somehow soothing, like the inexorable rise and fall of the ocean tides.

He wanted to let himself sink back into the warmth, let it carry him away. To drift along, safe and secure, letting it wash away everything but that familiar, comforting rhythm.

But…he couldn't do that yet, could he? There was something else he needed to do. What was it?

Slowly, Zack fought his way back to consciousness. He suddenly realized that he was not laying on anything solid, and instinctively reacted to catch himself, flailing his arms to keep from falling.

Or he tried to, anyway. But his arms didn't seem to be moving properly, as if the entire Planet weighed him down. The attempted movement sent a tingling sensation coursing along his skin. Zack groaned. He felt so…sluggish.

What happened? Where was he? The last thing that he remembered was… He wasn't sure. Frowning, he slowly forced his eyes open.

A vision of luminescent green greeted him. _What…? _He stared in puzzlement, then suddenly recoiled in shock.

_No…_

It couldn't be.

_Mako…?_

Slowly, fighting the drag of the thick liquid, he raised his arms, feeling outward. The tingling sensation grew into tiny pinpricks, as if his arms had fallen asleep and were just now waking up. After a moment, his hands bumped up against a hard surface. He concentrated, trying to see what was there. Gradually, his eyes focused, and he could finally see beyond what he originally thought was an endless sea of green. But the vision was warped, distorted by the liquid and the thick, curved glass surface his hands rested against. He squinted, trying to get things to make sense to his confused mind.

It was…a lab. The lab in the Nibelheim mansion.

_No!_ _Nonononono_… Zack shoved himself away from the sight, heart pounding. The pinpricks grew more painful with the violent movement, becoming the old, familiar burn of Mako along his back and shoulders. He shook his head in denial. This couldn't be true! He couldn't be back here! He'd left this nightmare behind ages ago!

Gripping his hair, he squeezed his eyes shut, repeating the words of denial in his head and willing it all to go away.

This wasn't right! Zack frantically searched his mind for anything that could explain his presence here. He couldn't remember coming to this place. In fact… he'd just been with Sephiroth, hadn't he? Yes! Desperately, Zack latched onto that memory. He'd just been in the caverns, and… And they'd been fighting someone. Someone who had the power to cast illusions. That was right, he remembered now. Their opponent could lock someone in a waking nightmare inside their own mind… Nightmares that he and Sephiroth had been dealing with, ever since they'd entered that accursed cave.

Zack heaved a sigh of relief, and let his arms drop to his sides, feeling drained. Of course this wasn't real. He hadn't somehow been transported back to Nibelheim – it was just another stupid illusion. And now that he knew it wasn't real, he should be able to break out…

Blurred movement caught his attention, and he leaned forward to see beyond the glass. It was a figure moving about the lab. Zack watched as it busied itself, completing some task, then turned and approached his tank.

Suddenly, the unpleasant features of Hojo appeared, and Zack recoiled again, heart skipping a beat. That was one face he could do without ever seeing again!

"Specimen Z. I see you're awake." The sound came through rather garbled and lower in pitch due to the liquid barrier between Zack and the scientist, and Zack had to concentrate to make out the words. But even so, he was able to conclude that the voice was no less annoying than it would be if he didn't have Mako clogging his ears. He regarded the scientist in distaste, trying to calm his racing heart. Even after all this time, and knowing that none of this was real, he could still feel the dread that rose at Hojo's presence.

Zack scowled at the man. He wanted to retort that he was a _person_, not a specimen, and he had a _name_. But he didn't bother to answer. He didn't want to give Hojo the satisfaction, and he'd probably end up choking on the Mako anyway.

Hojo smirked. "You've been asleep for quite some time. What did you dream about, I wonder? For the longest time, I believed you'd finally succumbed to the pressure of the Mako and experimentation, retreated permanently into your own little world." He sneered. "Very much like Specimen C here."

Zack had stopped trying to actively listen at some point during Hojo's ramblings, letting his eyes roam over the lab – a place he'd never hoped to see again. But at the mention of Cloud, he swung over to peer into the tank next to him.

Cloud… He looked so pale and small, floating there. It seemed as if the green would just swallow him up if Zack looked away. Zack raised an arm and attempted to pound on the glass to get Cloud's attention, mouthing his name. There was a dull thud that seemed weak even to Zack's ears, and he doubted Cloud could hear it. He pounded harder. _Cloud!_

There was no response. He seemed utterly lifeless. Zack frowned, and moved closer to the glass. He couldn't be… It was hard to be sure, but it didn't seem like he was breathing. _C'mon, Cloud, do something! _Zack brought both fists to bear on the glass, striking as hard as he could. Inwardly, he cursed the Mako for slowing his actions so much.

Suddenly, an electric jolt coursed through him, setting all his nerves on fire. Zack arced back in a soundless scream. The pain wracked his body for what seemed like an eternity until, finally, it was gone. Zack slumped into the embrace of the Mako, shuddering.

"Really, Specimen Z. Control yourself." Somehow, Zack was able to make out the words through the Mako and the ringing in his ears. Or maybe he just knew too well by this point what Hojo would say. He sounded irritated. At any other time, Zack would have considered this a small victory against the heartless monster, but he was too worried about Cloud.

_Don't be dead, Cloud. Please don't be dead! You can't be. I can't do this without you!_

Then he remembered that none of this was real. Cloud wasn't really there, neither were Zack or Hojo, and none of this was really happening. He shook his head, angry at himself for getting carried away. For a moment, he'd felt like it was just another day at the lab, like he'd never left.

Hojo continued, and Zack forced himself to make sense of the words. "Specimen C is quite alive. He may be dead to the world, but his vitals are stable, however faint." Hojo frowned. "I fail to see why you concern yourself with him. He is a failure in every respect."

Slowly, Zack spun himself to glare at the scientist, his dark hair swirling about him in the Mako. His muscles ached from the electric shock. When had Hojo installed that, anyway? He didn't remember it being used before.

"He has neither the stamina nor the willpower to last my experiments. Every day, he succumbs more to the Mako influence. He is now completely unresponsive to outside stimulation." Hojo grew more frustrated as he continued his rant, starting to pace back and forth in front of Zack's tank. "I can only hope that continued observation will yield some useful results.

"And _you_!" He gestured wildly. "The Mako has little effect because of the treatments you've already been given! Of course, that was to be expected, and only time will tell whether the additional Jenova cells with have an effect… I had hoped that the lengthy time you spent unconscious was evidence of _something_ interesting occurring." Here, Hojo stopped his pacing and looked directly at Zack. "I suppose this calls for some additional… testing," he mused, and Zack's blood ran cold at those words. "Well, at least that should prove stimulating enough. Gaia knows that watching you float around in there is about as fascinating as trying to converse intelligently with that incompetent dunce, Heidegger."

All right, now would definitely be a good time for Zack to wake up. He did not want to be here when Hojo decided to start up his experiments again. He'd had enough of those nightmares to last a lifetime, thank you very much!

_C'mon, Zack, wake up. Wake up!_

Hojo vanished back into the green mess of the lab for a few moments, returning with a notebook. He muttered unintelligibly to himself, flipping through the pages.

"Ah! Here we are." Finding the desired page, Hojo took a pen and started scribbling, reading aloud to himself. He mentioned the date, then proceeded to rattle off some scientific jargon that Zack wished he understood less about than the little he did – he'd picked up on some of the terms over the years in Hojo's care, and whatever Hojo was mumbling about sounded downright nasty.

With a jolt, Zack belatedly recalled the date he'd heard. That was…impossible. It was a date almost two years after he was supposed to have escaped!

Ridiculous! Why would he dream about it being a whole two years later? That would mean he'd been here for _six years_, not the four he was supposed to have been. Zack allowed himself to float backwards into the tank, away from Hojo, as he thought. By this time, Cloud was supposed to have joined up with Avalanche, and be on his way to taking down ShinRa and stopping Sephiroth.

And Zack…

Zack was supposed to be dead. A whole year dead, in fact.

Zack's mouth went dry as he processed this, finding it hard to swallow. He glanced over at Cloud, seeking some kind of reassurance or explanation. But Cloud only hung limply in the Mako, his long hair stirred by invisible currents.

_…That's funny…_ Cloud's hair seemed longer than Zack remembered. Of course, maybe that was only because it was floating around all over the place like a seasick golden halo. On impulse, Zack reached up to grab a lock of his own hair, pulling it down to inspect the length. He frowned. Reaching back for more, he found that his own hair was definitely longer – it must go down to the middle of his back, or would, if it were dry.

He stared, his mind refusing to process this any further. Because if that were true, then…

No. Absolutely not. This was some sick joke; it couldn't possibly be real. It would mean that Zack hadn't left Nibelheim when he thought he did. In fact, it could mean that…

_Don't think about it. Don't think about it!_ Zack shook his head, staring sightlessly into the Mako. A growing dread settled upon his heart.

Hojo's earlier words rang through Zack's mind. _You've been asleep for quite some time._

What if he really _had_ been asleep for a long time? …For _two years_? Two whole years past the time he was supposed to have escaped?

…What if he'd never escaped? What if…?

_What did you dream about, I wonder?_

Everything that had happened… Breaking out of the tank, rescuing Cloud, journeying to Midgar, dying, going to Earth and beginning a new life there…

_What if none of it had been real?_

Could it have been something Zack dreamed up for himself? A product of Mako-induced hallucinations and wishful thinking?

He slowly turned to look at Cloud, in growing horror. Cloud had retreated into his own mind, away from horrific experiments, carried along by the Mako to a better world. Was it so impossible that Zack could have done the same?

_No!_ Zack grabbed his head, curling upon himself, trying to shut out these staggering revelations. This _can't_ be the reality… He remembered everything too clearly! Seph and Cloud and Aerith and Tifa and Angeal… Denzel and Marlene…

…Denzel and Marlene…?

_Who…? _Zack thought he knew the names, but he couldn't seem to conjure up their faces. It was like something he knew he dreamed about, but had forgotten upon waking.

He gripped his hair tighter. But what about their home, on… Earth? …What was _Earth_? He couldn't be living on another planet – that was ridiculous! It had to be something else. Zack cast about his mind, trying to find the pieces to put together a logical answer.

But the more he searched, the more the memories slipped through his fingers, fading and becoming disjoined impressions that didn't make much sense.

_ Oh, Gaia, no, please no!_

Zack shut his eyes. This couldn't be happening! He felt like he was losing his mind. He _knew_ he'd escaped, _knew_ that everyone was given a second chance, _knew_ they all had a family together…

But _why_ couldn't he remember anything? _Why_ was everything so muddled and blurry? Why could he only remember things as if they truly had been just a dream?

A choked sob escaped him.

Was that all it really was, after all? That freedom was just a huge, horrible _lie_? Zack hugged himself tightly, feeling his entire world shatter and crumble around him. It wasn't fair!

His entire life had been reduced to nothing. Everything he'd once had to look forward to was suddenly snuffed out of existence. His world was now just the Mako tank and endless rounds of experimentation, nothing more. Zack shook, heartbroken. He didn't think he could go through any more of it. The very idea of enduring it all again was unbearable.

He wished he could just disappear, leave it all behind, like…like Cloud had. Zack envied him now. How he could just retreat into his own mind so easily, while Zack was left to suffer things alone.

Oh, _why_, did he have to wake up to prove it all false? He would have been happier not knowing, living out the rest of his days in a dream, pretending that he'd rescued Cloud…

Thinking that, maybe, he had managed to be a hero, even for just a moment.

Zack was no hero.

He was a failure. What kind of SOLDIER was he, if he couldn't save himself, let alone one poor mountain kid who'd lost everything because Zack couldn't understand his own best friend?

Zack sobbed, a part of him wishing that he could at least feel the tears run down his face. But the Mako took even that from him.

* * * * *

For a while, Zack was left to his own misery. He didn't know where Hojo had gone, and he didn't care.

_…You call yourself SOLDIER?_

Zack's head jerked up. _A-Angeal…?_

_I don't need such a pathetic SOLDIER like you._

Those words stung horribly, but they were enough to draw Zack out of his despair and to the front of the tank, searching the room for his mentor. He didn't dare hope, but maybe, just maybe…

He pressed himself against the glass, straining to see anything. But there was no movement. No Hojo. No Angeal.

_Angeal! _Zack pounded on the tank. _Angeal!!_

There was no response. Zack scanned the area for another moment, then drifted back into the tank with a heavy sigh. No one was coming to rescue them. Angeal was dead. Things weren't going to happen like they did in his dream.

…But what if they could? He remembered Angeal…how he'd come to Zack in the dream, ages ago, and said those very words. Soon after that was when Zack miraculously found himself laying upon the cold floor of the lab. He didn't know if Angeal had really been there, or whether it was Angeal or Zack, himself, who had been responsible for the escape.

All he knew was that this time, it would be up to Zack. He'd prove that he was worthy to be a SOLDIER! _I know I've failed you, Angeal… Seph… But I'll make it up to you, I promise! _He'd rescue Cloud, and then…

And then he _would not_ die. Not this time. He'd get them some place safe, get Cloud back on his feet. …But what then? Was Aerith still waiting for him? Was Sephiroth alive, or dead?

It was then that he realized that even if he did escape, there was no guarantee that events would play out as they had in his illusionary world. Everything that they'd had together, everyone being alive and well and sane… It might never come to pass. He had to admit that the odds were stacked greatly against them.

Zack clenched a fist in sorrow, staring into the depths of the tank. Sephiroth might never be granted a second chance, find peace… Aerith might decide to move on, forget all about him, the SOLDIER who'd left for over _six years_ and never came back, never called, never wrote. Angeal…Angeal was gone for good. Heck, even Tifa might really be dead. Zack swallowed a lump as he looked at Cloud. _I'm sorry, pal._

There was just no way to win this, was there?

Well…at least he had Cloud, he knew that much. If nothing else, he was going to get his friend to freedom. Maybe they'd head for Wutai this time, instead of Midgar, hide out for a year or so, wait until ShinRa had forgotten about them like the rest of the world already had.

Zack nodded, resolved to what had to be done.

He scanned across the room. How long had Hojo been gone? Zack kicked himself for not paying attention. For all he knew, it could have been an hour, or just a few minutes. Hojo could return at any time!

And that would likely be the start of a new round of horrors for Zack. There was _no way_ he was waiting around for that!

_This is it, Cloud! Time for a jailbreak!_

Zack knew that pounding on the glass wouldn't do any good, but perhaps he'd be able to kick it out. No, he'd _have_ to!

With a painfully slow movement, Zack propelled himself to the back of the tank, and braced his shoulders against its cool surface. Taking a moment to prepare, he bent his knees, then drove his feet into the glass. He gritted his teeth as the shock traveled up his bare feet and legs. Too slow! He'd have to try harder.

Again and again, he struck out, somehow summoning more strength each time. It seemed the very Mako he floated in was against his plan, hindering his motions, and burning worse with each kick. But he ignored it, drawing upon the adrenaline coursing through him.

Suddenly, there was a commotion in the lab beyond his tank. No! They were coming! Desperately, he kicked harder, but the hateful glass refused to break.

Then the electric shock ripped through him, sending him writhing in agony. This time it seemed like it would never stop.

At last, it ended. Zack gasped, choking on the Mako, barely conscious.

"Foolish specimen!" He recognized the voice of his tormentor. "That glass will never break! It is made out of a special metallic compound, specifically calibrated for SOLDIERs. Not even Sephiroth could break it!"

And finally, Zack knew the reason why he had never succeeded in escaping when the vision of Angeal visited him that first time.

"The boy must be an idiot if he thinks I'd use ordinary glass, when I routinely work with much stronger creatures."

…But why…? Why the electricity to keep him from escaping, if the glass could not break?

As he sunk into the darkness, he realized that it was just a cruel trick devised by Hojo…perhaps to provide some interesting "stimulation," but more likely just to get his hopes up so Hojo could see them dashed to pieces.

The last thing he heard was Hojo's malicious laughter. And Zack had never hated anyone more with all his heart than he did at that moment.

* * * * *

Zack dreamed. He dreamed of pain and fire, of death and destruction. There was a malevolent presence looming above him, and he tried to beat it back, to run and hide from it, but it never quite went away. There were screams in the distance, somewhere beyond the darkness he was drowning in.

It was the screams that woke him.

Zack opened his eyes onto the glow of the Mako, once again conscious of its heartbeat pulsing through him. Something was different this time, however. Everything beyond the swirling green was dark.

Zack frowned. What was going on? How long had he been out this time? His body ached, likely from whatever Hojo had been doing, but he was glad he couldn't remember any of it, and didn't try.

Giving a small kick, he sent himself drifting toward the glass. Before he moved very far, however, sudden sharp tugs at several locations on his body brought him up short. A jolt of panic ran through him, and he looked down at his arms, finally noticing that several IV needles had been sunk deep into his flesh.

He glared at them in disgust. What was Hojo doing to him? Wrapping his fingers around one, he slowly pulled it out, wanting to shrink away from the sensation. It came free, bleeding out a small amount of some dark substance. Zack's stomach churned.

He set about removing the other needles from his arms, legs, and back. When he got to the ones in his neck, he paused, not sure that he could bring himself to take those out. Finally, drumming up some courage, he gritted his teeth, gripped one tightly, and started pulling.

_Gaia…_ It was excruciating!

Once it was free, he gasped, then quickly set about the other before he lost his nerve.

And it was done. Zack shuddered, rubbing his neck. He never wanted to feel anything like that ever again!

Taking care to avoid the needles still hanging in the liquid, Zack pushed himself to the glass. It was so dark, however, that he couldn't make out much of anything, the glow of the tank rendering it impossible to see beyond its walls. Zack frowned. He couldn't remember a time when the lab was dark.

_Tell me this is a good thing…_

Zack glanced over toward Cloud, but was shocked to find the tank empty. He quickly swam over to that side, sure he must not be seeing things correctly. The familiar column of Mako was gone, replaced by a simple glass tube. It was close enough that the light from the Mako in Zack's own tank was enough to reveal the truth inside.

Cloud was gone.

A terror that Zack had never known before gripped him. Where was Cloud?? Frantically, he darted from one side of his tank to the other, as fast as the Mako would allow, searching for any sign of his friend. But he could see nothing beyond the narrow circle of light.

_Gaia, Cloud, where are you!? What have they done?? _

This was different than the other times that Hojo had taken Cloud for his experiments, Zack could feel it. Had Hojo finally decided that Cloud was no longer of any use to him, and…disposed…of him?

_Oh, Gaia, please, no… Cloud, you've got to be alive! Please!_

Zack was beside himself. No one was here, Cloud was gone… He was at a complete loss, trapped within the confines of his tank, with no way to do _anything_.

Just as he was felt he was about to snap, he whirled around and suddenly came face-to-face with a pale figure standing just outside the glass. His heart leapt into his throat, and he shoved himself away with a frightened shout.

After a second to slow his racing heart, he drifted forward, only to find that the figure was actually…

_…Cloud?_ Zack stared in wonder, feeling the relief rush to his head. _Gaia, Cloud, I thought I'd lost you!_ Zack grinned widely and let himself sink downward to rest at eye-level. He placed a hand against the one Cloud had rested on the other side of the glass. He gazed questioningly at his friend. _How in the world did you manage to escape…?_

Zack trailed off. Something was wrong with Cloud. Frowning, he searched Cloud's features, noticing that his eyes were vacant, holding no expression. …And they were green. Gone was the brilliant blue Zack had come to know.

_Cloud…?_ Zack rapped on the glass above Cloud's head, trying to ignore how his stomach was doing flip-flops. _Hey, buddy, you're starting to worry me…_

Without warning, another figure loomed above Cloud. Zack's jaw dropped.

It was Sephiroth.

For once, Zack did not know how to react. Had he been free, a part of him would have jumped on the man, giving him the glomp of a lifetime. But another part of him also wanted to shrink away, crying out in hurt, anger, fear, and betrayal. He felt the scorching heat of fire from his memories.

Perhaps it was just as well that he was simply pinned in place by the frigid stare Sephiroth directed at him.

_S-Seph…?_ He watched the General uncertainly.

Sephiroth merely glanced downward at Cloud. As if bidden by a voice only he could hear, Cloud dropped his hand from the glass. Then they both turned as one and began to walk away.

Zack was floored. What was going on?

_W-wait!_ He pounded on the glass to get their attention. Sephiroth turned to regard him. Zack gazed back, desperately seeking answers in his friend's cool expression.

Sephiroth was silent for a moment before he finally spoke. "You are of no use to me. _Failure_."

He might as well have stabbed Zack straight through the heart. His words were as cold and unfeeling as the Masamune could ever be. Zack gasped in anguish.

His eyes stared pleadingly at his friend. _Seph…_

All at once, it hit him. He and Cloud had never escaped, but that didn't mean that the rest of the world had stopped to wait. While they were trapped, hidden away from prying eyes, things had progressed without them…

Without Zack to free Cloud, Cloud would have never joined Avalanche. Cloud would have never learned of Sephiroth's return, never come into his own as a SOLDIER, never been there to foil Sephiroth's plan, lead the team to stop him from destroying the Planet. But there was nothing to keep Sephiroth from acting as he'd been destined.

While they were floating in Mako tanks, Sephiroth had continued the play without them.

And now here he was, come to collect Cloud, the perfect puppet. Hojo had succeeded after all. Cloud never had a chance.

Zack's fingers curled into a fist against the glass, shutting his eyes in misery. _Oh, Cloud. I'm so sorry._ He wanted to tear his hair out in frustration and wail his distress to the heavens. But he was powerless to do anything.

Hojo had been wrong. Cloud hadn't been the failure.

The failure was Zack.

Footsteps brought him out of his thoughts. Zack looked up. They were leaving!?

_H-hey, wait! Sephiroth! Cloud! Don't leave me!_ Again, Zack pounded on the glass. _Let me out! Please!! Seph!_

There wasn't even a pause as they strode into the darkness and vanished. Through the Mako, Zack thought he heard a door shut. All else was unbearably silent.

Zack stared, eyes wide, heart pounding. Surely they would come back?

Surely _someone_ would come back?

They couldn't just leave him _alone_, here in the darkness, to linger forever in the Mako!

Except, that's exactly what had been done. And when Zack realized this, the last of his hopes crumbled to dust.

_ Seph…Cloud…why??_

With Zack's final reason for living having abandoned him, with no one left who knew or cared about his existence, and with the oppressive darkness and loneliness weighing down upon his soul, Zack succumbed to despair. After all this time, he was finally broken.

Later, when the throbbing of the Mako finally grew overwhelming and threatened to carry him away, he decided to let it. There wasn't anything left of him to resist.

* * * * *

**End**


End file.
